Surreal

I'm at my parent's house for the holidays. There were bum-loads and bum-loads of snow everywhere so I opted to run on their treadmill instead of running outside. Don't get me wrong. Sometimes I like to slip, slide and crunch through the drifts. I usually have a slightly insane grin on my face as I do so. And all of the people driving by in their cars give me strange looks. But there was just a little too much snow this time. Too daunting even for my insanity.

So I popped in one of the old Star Wars movies to keep me entertained, and jumped on. Uh, those things should have warnings on them. "If you are not coordinated, don't even try running on this beast that we call a treadmill!" I felt like I was doing a balancing act on this narrow little piece of nothing that just kept moving under my feet. Focusing on the T.V. was hilarious. I would start to veer to one side or the other which you really can't do on a treadmill without hitting the edge, which is NOT moving. Bad. Bad.

I finally started to get the hang of things when I realized that I had to pee. I carefully slowed the bugger down, and stepped off. And whoah. Somehow the world was also now moving under my feet, slightly swirling. How does THAT happen?? (I bet one of you is going to give me the precise explanation.)

Anyway. Needless to say, it was quite the adventure. Even though Star Wars was fun to watch(I will always have a crush on Han Solo.), it was slightly disappointing to get off the treadmill and realize that I was still in my basement. Weird stuff. Tomorrow, I think I will go outside.

No Wonder our Perception of Beauty is Distorted

Short Film by Dove

Sometimes I wish I were a Duck

Today in the middle of my run I stopped on a bridge to stretch.
The waters were brown, moving slowly.
I watched the ducks swim and dip under the surface,
Jealous that they weren't bothered by the cold.

I was tired of running.
I was tired of a lot of things.

For a moment I saw myself jumping over,
slipping into the water.

Feeling the cold, letting the water take me away.
Letting it all drain away.

Then I blinked.
And with a sigh turned to finish my run.

Wind in my Blood

There is a winter storm warning for today.
Wind.
Snow.
Possible blinding conditions later on.

I wanted to go running.


So...

When the sun came out for just a bit this morning,
In a burst of rashness,

I went.

The wind whipped.
Ripped.
Pushed.
Took my breath.

And I wrestled.
Willing my legs to move.
Fueled by anger.
Feeling my wildness come free.

The sun glittered off the river.
Giving the allusion of safety and calm.
The ducks swam peacefully.
Riding the waves with ease.

And all the while I ran.


I came home spent.
Bewildered.

My edges frayed.
My insides broken loose.

But.
More free.

The wind in my blood.

Winter Art

I run my fingers through the sand.
Watching it sift, swirl.
My hands moving from my thoughts.

Today?
Winter Art

:D

Sunday I had the coolest experience. It was the first day of my period, which usually just about kills me these days. Yes, I'm sure some of you are wondering if you really wanted to know all of that, but honestly are you surprised? This is Wendy we are talking about here.

So yup, it was the first day of my period. Sometimes when I go running it actually helps with the pain and I decided to give it a try. About a mile and a half into my run(I usually go 3 miles) I realized that I felt horrible and turned around to go back home.

These were my thoughts:

"Ugh, I don't feel good."

"I should just go home."

"Well, I suppose I could walk. Man, home is a long ways a way."

"Huh, I suppose I could just run home. It wouldn't be much different than walking. And it would be a lot faster."

WAIT! Did anyone catch that? I actually thought to myself that running wouldn't be that much different than walking! Holy Mackeroly! Holy Shneezer Heezer Hide! Holy Baloney! I have never ever had that thought in my entire life!

So I ran home. I ran home even though I felt like crap. Got home and totally crashed.

You know how you can hike all day even when you are tired, or maybe not feeling quite up to snuff? Well, I think someday I will really be able run all day even when I am tired, or not feeling fantabulous. I already do in my dreams.

Running in the Snow

Yesterday I went running in the snow.
My feet left prints in the trail.
The only human prints there.

The river ran dark beside me.
Large geese stared as I ran past.

I wore gloves, and a hat.
Two shirts.
A jacket.
Big warm pants.
And my shoes.

I ended up tying the jacket around my waist.

I feel slightly crazy wanting to run in a foot of snow.

But it called.

And my heart sang back.

Farther Behind Than I Thought

I finally mustered up the courage to sugar my legs again. Just in case you had forgotten, last time I only got one strip of leg done before I realized my sugar concoction wasn't the right consistency. That was over three weeks ago. For three weeks I have had one smooth stripe in my left leg among all of my fleeciness. It took my social nonconformancey (I think that is a new word) to a new level.

But today I tried it again. Boiled it longer this time. It looked promising. And after my shower I sat down on the bathroom floor with my bowl of sugaring, a towel and cornstarch(so my skin would be appropriately dry and sticky things would want to adhere to it).

I grabbed a glob and proceeded to spread it on my skin. After making sure I pulled my skin taut I ripped away. It didn't hurt. I'm lying. But it didn't hurt bad enough to make me want to stop. So I found myself spreading goop with a vengeance. Ripping all over the place. Wincing. And then doing it again. The goop would only last a couple of strips before it got too goopy. I would then scrape it off onto a plate and grab some more. It was quite satisfactory to see my pile of hairy goop growing. All of that hair that was now not in my legs. :D

At one point I became consciously aware of this anger secretly slipping out. Even though it hurt, I didn't care. There were times when I almost attacked my legs with the stuff. Ripping with glee. Hating my hair. Hating all of the emotions of inadequacy, manliness(my leg hairs are longer than many a guy's), unfairness, not feeling beautiful, not feeling like someone would want to love a hairy beast. Ugh. Didn't I just spend a year and a half pointedly not shaving to make peace with my leg hair? Peace with myself? Damn.

I didn't finish my legs. Yes, I know, no one is surprised. I ran out of sugar. So my calves of 3/4ths the way done. I can feel all of my little pores tingling.

"Your uterus might fall out!"

I watched a new documentary-type film last night called Spirit of the Marathon. Yes, I'm a nerd. A running nerd at that. It followed the training and running of 5 runners who were preparing for the Chicago Marathon. Some were elite runners, where I swear they have a negative body fat percentage. Some were first-timers. Some way old. Some young. It was really rad.

Did you know that the marathon wasn't a competitive event until like 1890? And that the distance of 26.2 wasn't the actual distance until the London 1906 (I think it was...) Olympics? The Queen wanted to watch the beginning from the Windsor Castle so they moved the starting line back. Ever since then it has been officially 26.2

AND did you know that women were banned from running anything longer than 200 meters in 1928ish? That isn't even half a mile! They thought it was detrimental for our health. There was even a rumor that if a women ran for too long her uterus might fall out! That made me laugh for at least 5 minutes straight.

Katherine Switzer in 1967 ran in the Boston Marathon. Since she signed her name K.V. Switzer they assumed she was a man. Everyone was quite surprised to find a woman running in the race! One of the race officials even tried to stop her physically, but her boyfriend shoulder-rammed him and they got away. Good thing she was wearing sweatpants to hold in her uterus. Though I guess it is a wonder that no-one's intestines fell out of their bums either.

What ever happened to that damn Christmas er Winter Tree?

"Behold, I give you my Christmas Tree!"

"That's not a Christmas Tree...."

"It's not?"

"No, that is just green stuff all over your mantle."

"Who ever said it had to be in a TREE shape anyway?"

"It is called a Christmas TREE."

"Well now aren't we just picky picky."

"And this?"

"It is left-over tree that I hung around my fabulous, polygamous light fixture."

"And just in case you wanted another glance at the tree itself."

"And a full view."

"Well except that it isn't a tree, doesn't have any lights, ornaments, ribbons or a star I quite like it."

"Oh thank you. You are welcome to come sniff it any time you would like."

Hog-tied and Stuffed.

These are my brother-in-law's boots.
One night my niece Bethany and her brother Marty
decided to stuff them full of dirty diapers,
and put the laces in the little holes above
the fireplace.

I was the one watching them.
But it was entirely too funny to stop.


(I grabbed this photo off of one my sister's blogs.)

Restless

Something inside won't settle.
Always wanting to move.
Always be somewhere else.

Never content just to be.
Right here.
Right now.

Maybe afraid to be.
Here.
Now.

I feel like I want to run.
Away where no one is.

Somewhere cozy.
Safe.

Maybe wrapped in a blanket.

And stay there for a long time.

And just be.

With my restlessness.

Chariots of Fire

I watched my favorite snippets from Chariots of Fire today.

"Jenny, I believe God made me for a purpose.
But I also believe He made me fast.
And when I run, I feel His pleasure."

Ah geeze, it seriously made me cry.

Little Boys and Vacuums

I have noticed that all of my nephews like vacuums. The two I see the most often LOVE vacuums. Whenever I turn on the vacuum at my sister's house my one little nephew is riveted. Can't take his eyes off the thing. Starts to follow me around. It is almost like the vacuum has some magical Pied Piper quality or something.

Here is a picture of my cute nephew Andrew again. With a something that sure looks like a vacuum. And from the look on his face you know he just wants to take it apart and see how it works.


And speaking of his cuteness here is another picture that I just got from their weekly email. Oh, I just can't stand it.


And last but not least....

The weird things I eat

Today I mixed
raw cocoa
coconut oil
agave(like honey)
some Kashi cinnamon shredded wheat squares
and sprinkled dry cookie mix on top.

Yesterday...
salad greens
garbanzo beans
natural Cheetos
mustard
veginaise(like mayonnaise)
and ate it with my fingers.

My reasons for smooth legs might not be compelling enough...

I tried it. After my lovely bath this morning, I climbed out, smoothed sugar wax on my left leg and flicked. Or ripped. And the hairs came out. And it hurt. I think it hurt less than waxing though it has been a long time since I have subjected my legs to that wretched practice. The pain definitely went away faster. There is less redness. But it hurt.

Why do I want smooth legs again? Someone remind me. Oh yeah because I like the feel of them. And they look so lovely. Sometimes I like to fit into society. Harrumph.

I didn't finish my leg. I discovered that I hadn't cooked the sugar stuff long enough. It was too sticky and only worked once. Then I had to stick my leg in the shower to get it off.


There she is. Half epilated. The pores red. Once again I'm baffled at society's drive to have women's legs smooth.

I kind of like the smoothness though. I might try it again. Which baffles me even more.

The Wax er not wax

This would be me with the sugar stuff that I made.
For sugaring of course!
I actually made it on Sat.
I haven't yet mustered up the whatever to try it on my leg hairs.
(The vein in my forehead looks smashing don't you think?)

This is me playing with a snippet of the stuff.
Cool, eh?
Kind of makes you want to try it, huh.
Well, almost.
I think my look is kind of funny in this picture.
Sort of a I'm not entirely sure what to make of you look.

It looks Tuesday might be the day.
Wish me luck.

Sugaring

What?

Yeah, sugaring.

Thousand year-old hair delipation technique.

Made from sugar/honey, lemon juice and water.

I found a recipe online.

Wouldn't it be funny if I became a sugaring expert?

It looks like you are playing with taffy.

Henry and Winifred

There has been an extended family of spiders that has moved in. I think they got the address wrong on their vacation villa. Little buggers with striped legs. I have now relocated 5 spiders in the last two days. Where have all the Swifties gone? Long time........(Wendy stops singing)where have they gone? Did they go on vacation? Why does no one inform me of these change of plans?

Well these last two named Henry and Winifred were sitting together by my hand-made box on the floor. And being the clever girl I am, I took my relocating cup and snagged them both. There they were running around in circles along the cup's edge and the paper I was holding over the top. Bumping into each other. Going the other way. Bumping into each other again. At one point one of the spiders lifted its two front leggies and there was a stand-off. But I swear they were saying:

"Winifred, come on let's make a show of it."

"Ah Henry but it is so late."

"Yes, but Winny, she is so bored these days, it will give her something to blog about."

"Oh alright. Here I will put up my leggies like this. Like we are going to fight or something."

"Oh look, she is delighted. Well, I guess we are off to a new villa eh?"

"Let's rendezvous at the porch light."

"Cheers darling!"

And I threw them out the front door. On their little bummy bums and told them that I really wasn't equipped to put up spiders for the night. I think they understood.

Blasted Cold Weather

Can we take a moment and remember Michael Phelps in this time of cold?

Update III

We have emergency preparedness meetings at my home about every two weeks. Anyone is invited. We all share what we have done in that last two weeks to increase our preparedness. So Update III.

I think I have finally really looked at my fear of emergencies/disasters. It turned out to not be as big as it seemed. My thoughts used to run the "what if" game a lot. Now it is more of "we are always taken care of one way or another just keep doing what you feel is right to do."

So physically, I bought some winter boots. I am often in denial about Winter, so haven't had boots for awhile. Last Winter I even wore flip flops....yeah denial. But I bought boots. That should be a good thing. I went and finally got all of the stuff for my first aid kit. I now feel like if someone came to me with a fork sticking out of their arm, I could help them.

Other than that I didn't do much else. I had a lonnnng list of things that I wanted to get done, but really didn't do any of them. And that is quite alright. One step at a time. It really is the journey not the end that matters for me.

The Fated Christmas Tree...er Winter Tree...er my excuse for putting up Sparkly Lights

Well, tomorrow I am going to get my Christmas tree from out of storage. Which would be my friend's garage at the moment, bless her heart. And it shall go up. Up I say. Up in all of its glory and sparklies. The only problem is, I don't know where to put it. As our house is so magnificently arranged there is no place readily available for a grand tree. Let me show you some of the options, or lack thereof.


First, we have the kitchen. "The kitchen?" you say. Well, it actually was one of the first considerations since it is the only room that has any kind of space available where we wouldn't have to move much. Do you see it? There, behind the table. By the mirror and that other thing. We would just have to skooch the table out a bit. And there we would be eating our meals and enjoying the Tree.


The only problem is that it's in the kitchen. Who wants to be having to look in the kitchen to enjoy a Tree? I ask you.

Here is one wall of the living room. Though you might think there would be room to put the Tree to either side of the couch, there isn't. So we thought since there is no picture up on the wall yet, we might just have to mount the tree on the wall, horizontally sticking out of course. My roommate thinks this is the best idea so far.


The only problem? Well we might have to get people to sign waivers when they sit there. And I suppose it could be a little tricky getting it up there in the first place.

Then we have our other corner(our living room isn't actually a square, being built in 1890 by polygamists. I think they thought that 4 walls wasn't enough so we have 6.) We had thought about putting it in that corner where the lamp and bookshelf are. BUT then we have to move the lamp and the bookshelf. And then where do we put THOSE thingies? Serious lack of storage in our housen. Apparently the builders didn't see a need for that. But it would look very lovely. Very normal(as opposed to being on the wall, I suppose).


The only problem? Oh right, I already told you the only problem.

The other possibilities would be in front of the fireplace. Yes, we are planning on giving away the big, black monster. If you want it, let me know. So a Tree in front of the fire place. Doesn't that just seem like bad Fueng Shui? Not that we can actually put a fire in there, but just the idea of it seems wrong.


Problems? Well, besides looking kinda funny, I guess none. We wouldn't have to move anything except Blackamous. It would make our bookshelves look fabulous. Eh? Any suggestions?

No, hanging it from the ceiling is out(the ceiling is a little weak). No, we are not going to put it in the bathroom. Where would we poop? And no, not in my closet. Though I suppose I could hang my clothes on the branches. And of course no not in the front doorway. How would we get out? A window? Preposterous. But please, suggestions are welcome.

Clenched

My hand rubs the back of my neck. It hurts. The pressure is constant, like it has no place to go. The muscles are clenched, concentrated where my spine meets my skull. The tightness wraps around to my throat and then back down to make the small of my back ache. Where is this coming from? Why do I feel like I want to hit everyone in sight, smash every plate I get my hands on, yell and scream till my throat hurts? And then cry? The magnitude of what is boiling inside scares me. It ripples, bubbles and threatens to erupt, burning everything in its path.

Anger. Fear. Forbidden emotions. Guilt then? More acceptable.

But I can't stop the anger. It won't stop. Somehow it has been unleashed, like a rabid dog, that having been bound for years rips out in wildness.

So I breathe. Slowly. In and out. Willing the red haze to clear. I can feel its tendrils searching for anything to release some of the pressure. Anything that might make me mad. Anything.

Stop Shoulding All Over Me

Guess what. I didn't register to vote. Nope. And I'm not going to vote. Nope. And I am so sick and tired of people everywhere telling me I HAVE to vote. Or that it is my CIVIL DUTY. Or if I don't vote, I'm not being a good citizen! You are shoulding all over me!

I am choosing not to vote this year (which IS legal by the way) for very personal reasons. I am not going to go into them. I don't know if very many people would understand them. But it wasn't a decision of laziness. It was an intentional decision.

I feel great about all of you that vote, voting. I love it. I love the fact that we can vote. That is not where my decision came from.

So, if you want to tell me your reasons for voting. Or tell me why you are concerned that I am not voting. Great! But if you tell me I should vote, I might just punch you. And we all know that I do kung fu.

Still?

I can't believe it. I still can't think of anything to write. Nothing seems important. I still run. I have decided to do a 10k in the early Spring, and a half marathon in the Summer. But I don't know what to say other than I am going to run. I'm massaging. Two new job opportunities have come, one with a spa, the other with a Chiropractor's office. I might take either of them. I might not. I meet cool people that change my life. I buy food storage. I read books. And it all seems kind of non-important in a way. Or at least none of it inspires me to write. I feel like I have lost the muse.

huh.

For once.
I don't know what to say.

No thoughts are pressing to come out.

Did the gerbil that runs inside of my head go on vacation?

Without leaving any notice or temporary replacement?

Or maybe she has been running overtime, and just wanted to rest up those little legs.

I should send her a Christmas bonus this year.

Swifty Bodyguards

I have blogged about the swifty house centipedes in my house before. I have finally come to terms with them. I rarely see them anymore. I don't bother to catch them to take them outside. They can live in my house, eat my bugs, eat my spiders. It is actually a very nice rental agreement. I have even come to the place where I think they are cute.

So the other day I am sitting in my room doing something important I am sure. And I see this spider crawl along my wall. Spiders have been few and rare lately so I checked it out. Not too big. Not poisonous. So I left it to it's meaderings along the wall. Well, I happened to glance to the opposite wall and saw two Swifties just hanging out. They are never out in the day time. But there they were. I didn't think too much of it.

Well last night I was reading on my floor and suddenly saw a spider go scurrying past me. And there was a swifty hanging out by the baseboard. It clicked. They EAT spiders. They must be on the hunt or something. :D I really like the idea of having little Swifties chasing those spiders around. Or I really like the idea of little spiders having to scurry away from my big Swifty bodyguards.

Soft and Touchable

This would be me.
Showing off my new fuzzy lounge-around-the-house pants.
They are fuzzy.
They are green.
And they have the cutest back pockets.
Making my bum look ravishingly, well...cute. :)

(And yes, there I am posing as modely as I can muster.)

They are soft.
They are touchable.
My legs aren't, but at least my pants are!
Here is a closer look.

My New Citrine

This is my new Citrine rock.
Yeah, I'm a stoner...
(snicker, snicker)

It is slightly blurry,
but look at all of those facets.
That gorgeous color.

This is its behind.
Kind of wild.

And a side view.
It is not quite that dark,
but the lighting sucked.
It has the color of dark Amber.

I thought maybe as a necklace?

If you are interested, here is some information about
the energetic qualities of Citrine.

It reminds me of some jewel from the Sahara.
Maybe that is why I was drawn to it.

Beautiful Death

The sunlight shines through
the yellow leaves
leaving everything awash in
golden light

I feel like I am in a painting
seeing the bright splashes of
burnished red
fire red
orange
purple

The air is saturated with magic
leaves
golden flecks
seeds
sparkles

It all floats through the air
playing with the leftover green

The mountains seem to be rusting
as they display their new colors

The rust is beautiful

The death is beautiful

The transition
letting go
dying

I drink it all in
and am filled with hope

Pears

I cut up lots and lots of pears (bum loads) and then filled up 10 trays to dehydrate them. :D I feel so clever. We still have loads and loads of pears left that are in the middle of ripening. They came from two trees off of the property we are renting. Gah! How cool is that! Here are some pictures. The pears look like little school children waiting to expectantly for some wise words of wisdom.





Tee hee you can see the computer screen reflecting in the dehydrator. Need a camera...lol

Update II

My friend had another dream. She came away from it with the feeling that now that she was prepared it was time to see about her friends and family. It would be nice to know that if there were an emergency they would also be prepared. It got me thinking again. I like to NOT think about getting prepared for an emergency. :) But then something always seems to come up in my life to remind me. I guess I will pay attention.

So here is an update of what I have done in the past two weeks.

1. Found my gloves. Good for warmth. For picking my way through broken glass etc. Mainly for warmth. Put them in my car.

2. Went through my 72 hour kit. Need to replace the batteries. Update my first aide. Other than that feel like I could survive with ease at least for 72 hours. :) Also put that in my car.

3. Put 20 dollars in small bills in my car. Emergency funds since banks and electronic debit/credit card machines might not be working.

4. Decided that I want to keep my gas tank half full.

5. Went to D.I. thrift store to look at boots. (All I have are my old running shoes. They wouldn't hold up very well if they got wet.) Couldn't find any my size at that particular store. Planning on checking out another one in these next coming weeks.

6. Talked to some more of my neighbors to see where they were at. One didn't have anything. He said he would get enough water and food for his family for 3 days. The others had at least enough for 3 days. I like knowing that my neighbors will have enough.



For some reason I am drawn to all of this. Not everyone is. Not everyone is feeling a pull to get so prepared. It is all good. We are all on our own path. Important thing: We do what we feel is right for us.

Things I plan on doing in the next 2 weeks:

1. More food storage(remember I had virtually nothing a month ago.) So maybe some more cans of soup, wild rice or something.

2. Put an extra change of clothing in my car and 3-5 gallons of water.

3. Not stress.

4. Buy some of those cool Hillside self-heating hot cocoa drinks. That would be fun in an emergency. They are like 2 bucks at Walmart.

5. Eat some chocolate.

6. Orchestrate a family meeting. See how prepared my family is. Create an emergency plan. Who to call etc. so we know everyone is safe.

7. Get copies of my ID and important documents together. Stick that in my 72 hour kit.

8. And remember to learn from yesterday, prepare for tomorrow but really enjoy living today. (Haha that sounded like it could be painted on something and hung up on the wall.)

A veritable lake of fry sauce

I was driving with my friend today. We had both gotten some lunch. Me a humongous falafel pita from the Pita Pit and my friend a burger, fries and malt from the Malt Shoppe. My friend filled up at least half way full a water cup with fry sauce (is there an AA meeting for that?). And I am thinking, "Oh no, that fry sauce is going to end up all over my car. I just know it. All over. "

So speaking to the fry sauce and the large malt I say, "Hey the rule is you have to stay upright. No spilling here, alright?" Unfortunately, my car is old enough that I don't have any reliable cup holders.

Well two minutes later I hear my friend say something to the effect of, "Oh @#$$#!" Gah, you guessed it. There it was. The fry sauce cup tipped over on my seat. The pink stuff leaking down the crack in between my seats. Yes, a veritable lake of fry sauce. EEEWWWW!!!!! Did it have to be fry sauce? I mean really. Why couldn't it have been the malt. At least my car would smell like raspberries instead of nasty fries. She cleaned it up the best she could, but the lake dribbled down into cracks that are very hard to reach. Blech blech blech. Oh well, I guess I can change the name of my car from Magnolia to Fry Sauce. She is no small fry I tell you. Though you could say she is one fry short of a happy meal. But in the end she is saucey. Ok, I am done. I am sure the smell will fade. Now to look for the fry sauce annonymous meetings.

Me Life Lessons Learrned from Runnin'

1. It doesn't really matter if your butt jiggles while you run. It just doesn't.

2. Its ok to spend a lot of money on good shoes. They will keep you running far longer than crappy ones.

3. Tying your laces in double knots is a good idea. Then they won't come undone and you won't have to stop to tie them again.

4. Its ok to stop and rest. Even if everyone else around you is still running, it is ok for you to stop and rest.

5. You never have to go farther than feels good for you.

6. But you can go farther if you want to. It might be fun to see where you can go.

7. Even when you just take one more step than you did yesterday, it is still farther.

8. Progress can sometimes be hard to find, but if you just keep going pretty soon you can look back and see how far you have come.

9. Eventually what is hard to run today will feel easy to run.

10. Races are fun.

11. Races are easier when you train from them.

12. Running with people can help you go faster.

13. Some days it is fun to push yourself. Some days it isn't.

14. Working for a long time for something and then achieving it, is priceless.

(Let me know if you think of any more.)

Andyroo

This is my nephew Andrew
His cousin Bethany calls him Andyroo

This would be him in his Sunday best
You can't tell by the picture,
But he is going to be very very tall
Like his Dad

This is Andrew doing a scene from Shakespeare
We were at my other brother's wedding
It seemed appropriate
He is very precocious

This is his Dad holding Andrew
Maybe he wasn't sure how to take all of the applause
and shouts of "Encore! Encore!"

Andrew likes to ride on lawnmowers with his Dad
Play on the piano with his Mom
Eat spaghetti
Watch trains
And lots of other things

I like Andrew

5k

I did it. I ran a 5k on Sat. morning and it was snowing. Well it snowed for part of the race. But even though it was cold, and cold and colder I ran 3 miles on Sat. morning. 3 miles! Every time I think about it, I smile.

So here's the story. As you know I have been working for a long time to run this 5k. I have always wanted to run like this. It felt like a dream was coming true. And it was a lot of hard work and patience. Well Friday night, the night before the race I start to feel sick. Sick! Gah, I couldn't run if I were sick! My head hurt. My body was aching like I had the flu. My nose was starting to drip down my throat. I was kind of devastated. After all of that work, I might not be able to run. So I herbed myself up, took a long bath, went to bed early and prayed that I would feel good in the morning.

My friends a miracle occurred. I woke up the next morning feeling ok, not great, but ok. Drove down to the race thinking that at least I would support my friends and family that were also running the race. But as I was driving, I kept feeling better and better. By the time I got to the race I felt quite good enough to run! It was a miracle I tell you. You see about 6 hours or so after the race was done, I felt very much sick again. It was like someone pushed the pause button on my sickies so I could run. I know, you could say that I got sick again because I ran 3 miles out in the cold. But it didn't feel that way. It felt like someone was watching over me and my dreams. That someone bigger than myself cared.

So I ran. My Dad and brother were there running with me. My two good friends came and also ran. I felt so supported and loved. I ran. I wasn't the fastest. I wasn't the slowest. I was just me. People along the edge of the roads cheered us on. Someone even yelled out, "Go number 613!" I had to look down at my bib to remember it was me. I only stopped if I had to stretch out my hip, but other than that I ran the whole time.

And it was intoxicating. The breathing, the rhythm of the my legs, the cold, the warmth spreading out from my muscles, the other runners around me, the encouragement coming from the crowd and the other runners, the speed, the determination, all of it intoxicating. It reminded me how beautiful humans can be and the beauty they can create.

We forgot to get pictures of us actually at the race, but here are some of my t-shirt, bib and result card. Apparently, my lovely laptop camera reverses the image so you will have to use your mighty super-powers to read anything.




I'm definitely addicted and am considering running another race in two weeks. :D Maybe in the spring I will run a 10k, or even....even....a half-marathon.

(On a side note, I guess I will take down my counter that counted the days left until my first 5k, and my flying shoes pictures. I'm reluctant. Maybe I will leave up the pictures.)

Beauty and the Beast. Or just the Beast.

I had a bizarre moment today. I was hanging around with my Dad, brother and two friends before the 5k this morning. (Oh yes, I ran the 5k! I did! I did. But it was momentous enough that I don't want to put it into words yet. Tomorrow.)

So there I was in my capri pant thingies that left my calves bare. I hadn't shaved for awhile. See My Red Wool. I normally don't care much what other people are thinking about my leg hair. That is their deal. But somehow it became the topic of conversation and my Dad made some offhand comment about it repelling men. I don't remember exactly what he said, but the point was that men aren't usually attracted to hairy legs. I immediately said that I didn't care anymore while pretending to brandish my legs around as repelling weapons. Who needs mace when you have hairy legs? (oh dear..)

Well, tonight I've been thinking and processing through a lot of emotions around that conversation. And since this is my blog, I am going to write them out. Bwaaahaahaa!

My hairy legs. I can't stand them and I can't stand that I can't stand them. (Read that sentence 3 times really fast.) I mean they are a part of me. I'm human. I have hair. For some reason even though beautiful women are supposed to have smooth legs, my hair keeps on growing. I sometimes get up the courage to shave, but it hurts. And the results are lovely for about half a day. Then they are prickly(and once again my legs are a weapon.) So to keep them smooth, I would have to shave everyday. My skin would fall off from irritation. I barely get away with shaving once a week. So we have irritated skin, prickly legs, or hairy legs. Which option would you choose? The irritated skin is probably the most socially acceptable, but it also probably hurts the worst. Waxing? Gah. Even worse than shaving. More irritation, that lasts longer. Ingrown hairs galore. And they still aren't smooth! Apparently I have a layer of hair that doesn't get ripped out with waxing. Nice. Nair/etc.? My lungs and head hurt along with the skin. Is that stuff safe?

So if your hand doth offend you, cut it off right? Electrolysis. Here comes the crux of the matter. I am thoroughly pissed this is even an issue at all! Why shouldn't I love my hair? Why shouldn't society love women's hair? Why are women smooth and men hairy? Women grow hair! Smooth women? Women are smooth up until puberty. Then they grow hair. That is a mark of their maturing into womanhood. So we are idealizing prepubescence-ness? (Yeah, I don't know if that is really a word, but you get the point.)

I'm not saying that noone should ever shave. If you want to shave, great. I'm just wondering if there isn't room for seeing the beauty in women's hair. Wait, it isn't beautiful? An integral part of me being a woman isn't beautiful? I have actually had people comment to my face how disgusting they found my leg hair. Where is our tolerance? Or not even tolerance, but openness to beauty in a viewpoint that is not your own.

So is it not possible that there is a man that can love my hair? Tolerate it? At least not be repelled by it? I feel like the beast that you have to get past the initial hairy horror to love.






(I just noticed my last four posts have been of the more cranky nature. It has been a long week...but that felt good to write out.)

I'm so done with earthquakies

Oh my hell.
Will people stop having dreams about earthquakes
that might happen in the month of October in Utah?!
Just stop it!
Now!
No more dreams!
I mean it!

That is just going to piss me off if
an earthquake really happens.
That is not in my plans.
My groove will definitely be thrown.

I don't want to have to plan for it!

I don't want to think about it!

I don't want to!

pout

pout

pout

And while we are on the subject,
why are my roommates so into getting all prepared?

All I ever hear is what we need to get next.
And what I am forgetting in my stupid 72 hour kit.
And how if I don't get that I am really going to be suffering.
And I am constantly reminded that I have like zero monies
to get any of this crap.

Maybe if I did have some extra cash
this might be more fun.
But I don't!

pout

pout

pout



pah.

Ok, I feel better now.

Religulous

Anybody seen Religulous, the documentary by Bill Maher? I actually haven't. Didn't even know that it existed until my friend blogged about it. Then I looked up his link to Eric Snider's review. Then I read all 59 comments readers posted about the review. Yup, all 59 bazillion of them. Then for some bizarre reason posted a comment myself. I don't usually post comments on stuff like that. But there I was posting away.

Well to make a long story short, I have been posting all day about "is there a God, or isn't there a God". Atheists galore have been posting their opinions. I'm pretty sure Mormon bishops have posted their opinions. Maybe even the Pope is on there. Well that is probably a stretch. A lot of people wanted to say that the "other" group was completely wrong and see here is all of the evidence.

"You can't possibly say there isn't a God."

"Well, you can't possibly prove there is a God."

"And you can't prove there isn't a God."

blah blah blah. No, they can have their opinion. It is just when they are so sure the other person is wrong that I get bugged. Guess what you can't prove there is a God! There is always someone that can argue against it, even if you saw the Guy/Gal/Whoknows yourself. And you can't prove there isn't a God!

What do I believe? I believe there is a God. I believe the "supernatural" experiences I have had are real. It feels right to me. I like running my life believing in a God. And if you don't like believing in a God, if doesn't feel right to you, then good'on ya! Maybe God doesn't exist for you, maybe just for believers...:) I don't know! I am certainly not going to tell you that you are an idiot. I might not get it, but that doesn't mean you are stupid. So there.

My Red Wool

I look down and see my wooly legs.
What a cosmic joke.
Some sheep is missing its wool
because it grows on my legs.

Red wool.

The razor shines in the light.
4 blades surrounded by moisturizers.
Guaranteed to leave my legs so touchable.

It runs smooth over my leg.
Mostly smooth in its wake.

I step out of the shower
and towel off the water.

Looking down I see the redness begin.
My skin irritated.
But touchable, yes?

I wrinkle my nose.
A bit frustrated.

I think about the next day.
Any semblance of smooth will be gone.

My wool has some bizarre complex.
Afraid of being too short?
Grow! Grow! Grow!

By the 2nd day my leg hairs should be registered as
Lethal Weapons.
Just a graze up against me
would leave you with ribbons of bleeding.

Smooth is so lovely.
Smooth is so touchable.
Smooth is so acceptable.

Why does every woman I know have hair follicles
that naturally grow hair?

How did our hair get to be so unacceptable?
so unfeminine?

Here is the hard place.
There is the rock.

Update

Click here for more info on how to find/buy one of these

Baby Steps. This weekend my roomate and I filled up two 30 gallon containers and one 12 gallon container with vodka. Oh, I mean water. They are outside on our property so we didn't fill them up all of the way for when the water freezes. We then added 1/2 teaspoon of bleach per every 5 gallons of water and sealed them up. It ended up being about 60 gallons of water we now have stored. 60 gallons! :D

Estimating that each person needs at least 1 gallon per day if not more that would last the 3 of us a good 2 weeks.

Big smile on my face that we actually got out there and did it.

Untamed and Wild

It rained and my hair seems to think that is license to do whatever it wants. Well, actually it always thinks that. But when it rains it is worse. Every little strand gets all excited and wants to stand up, curl every which way and do a dance on top of my head. So here is a picture of my rain head. Granted the picture does not do it justice and I had in some gel to calm it down. It was much more wild than it looks! But for your viewing pleasure I give you; Untamed and Wild.

Addicted

You know you are an addict
When you look outside and
the trees are blowing
the rain is falling
the air is cold

and you say to yourself
Mmmmm, I think I'll go for a run.

Geodes

The other day my friend and I happened upon a bunch of unopened geodes at The Quilted Bear of all places. They were only 50 cents so we bought a couple.

Geodes: essentially rocks with crystal formations on the inside.

Apparently Utah is one of like 5 states in the U.S. that has a large quantity of geodes in its natural landscape.

They fascinate me. These rocks that from the outside just look like ordinary rocks. I'm sure that if I were a geologist that it would be easy to spot a geode from a mile away. But to me they look like...rocks. Round. Rocky. Rough. Like rocks. But then you crack them open and there is this beautiful array of sparkly crystals inside. Eeheehee. Hidden treasures. I feel like a little kid.

This is my geode. (Remember that I don't actually have a camera. Yeah, I just take pictures with my laptop camera. It is an art form in and of itself. You would probably fall over laughing to see me trying to get just the right angle with this silly laptop in hand. And once again ignore the amazing I've-been-sick-and-haven't-done-my-hair do.)

I was thoroughly entranced.



Then I took a little screwdriver and a little golden hammer and tapped it open. This is one of the sides. You can't really tell but there are all of these gorgeous little clear crystals in there.



I thought I would try another picture to see if I could show the little crystals better. It just looks like my hand is going to smash you.


Getting philosophical and slightly cheesy.

I'm like a geode. Rough on the outside but sparkly and beautiful on the inside.

windy leafy thoughts

I am a massage therapist. Sometimes I do mobile massage and go to people's houses. It can work very well. I had two massages scheduled for today. One of them just had surgery on her foot and was really miserable. A massage would have really helped. She is the niece of one of my other clients.

Well I woke up sick this morning. Bad sore throat. Tired. Ears hurt. And I had to cancel my massages. Well poo poo head client number 1 (I don't really think she is a poo poo head...) calls client number 2 and tells her how frustrated she is that I had to cancel. But doesn't tell her the whole story like I'M SICK! So my regular client is frustrated that I canceled. And I am frustrated that both of them are frustrated, and wondering why the hell client number one didn't tell client number two the whole damn story. Did she not believe me that I am sick???

But do you know with what I am most frustrated? You see I get why both of my client's are frustrated. I would be too if the massage that I had been looking forward to all of a sudden got canceled and I was in pain from being in bed for two weeks. I would be very frustrated. I would want to throw something. And I really doubt that she doesn't believe me. I think she was just venting to her aunt about how frustrated she was. So in the end that really isn't the problem.

The problem is that I am frustrated that I can't do everything. That I can't fix everyone's problems. That I can't be there for everyone. That I can't make everyone's pain go away. Damnit.

And do you know where this all comes from? Well, I will tell you. When I was a kid I felt like I wasn't enough because I couldn't fix my mom's pain. I couldn't make her feel better. And for other reasons I couldn't feel it that she loved me. (I can see now that she did and does..., but back then I couldn't. I thought she didn't love me). So this connection got made that if I don't fix people's problems, if I don't take away their pain then they won't love me.

I'm not looking for my client's to love me. That relationship is purely professional, but this whole thing echoed of a bunch of emotions that I haven't looked at for a long time. Can people love me when I can't give them what they need, or what they want? Will they love me? Will they even like me? Will anyone want to be around me? ahhh! I will be alone for the rest of my life and have to work at Walmart!

And is it ok if someone doesn't like me? or if someone can't stand my guts? Or doesn't want to ever get a massage from me again? Can that be ok?

I mean it would be a different story if I were just being malicious and canceled the massage. But that is not what it is. I am doing everything I can. And when I can't, I can't.

I feel like all of these thoughts are just leaves winding around in my head not making much sense, nor settling down.

Absence of Fear

My friend woke up from a dream recently. It was a dream that we had a national disaster, like an earthquake, here in Salt Lake. She was woken up and a voice said that she wasn't prepared. She went back to sleep and dreamed about people not having clean water, food or shelter. She woke up again and was told she wasn't prepared. She went back to sleep and was woken a third time and told to get prepared now before the month was over. The next day she did.

She related this experience to me and it made me think very seriously about if I am prepared. What if an earthquake happened in the next month? We have always been told there will some day be a crazy big earthquake here in Utah. That we are overdue, etc. So what if it did? Do I have enough water if nothing were coming out of my tap? Do I have enough food? Stuff for first-aide? Warm clothing? Shelter? If I were in my car, would I have what I would need? Would I have enough chocolate? That actually crossed my mind :).

I am not a gloom and doom person. Never really have been. I think that everything ends up working for our good, if you will. But I would like to have water, and food and warm stuff. I would like to be able to bandage something if I were hurt or someone else were hurt. I would like to have some chocolate on hand, maybe a card game or two if we had to wait for awhile. I would like to be around people I love. I would like my family to be ok. My sister's dogs to have enough food and water. My nieces and nephews to be warm and ok. What if I were at work? I actually have a 72 hour kit, a sleeping bag, tent, tarp and some blankets in my car. I think I will put in a couple jugs of water.

So I don't know. Maybe something will happen. Maybe not. But I keep feeling like it is time for me to really crack down and get what I need to feel prepared. Now, I have been feeling like that for awhile, but the urgency inside of me changed this week. Instead of thinking oh I will do that next month... It is I had better do that this weekend. If a disaster is going to happen, I want it to be an adventure not...well...a disaster.

My roomaties and I are actually going to go around to our neighbors and ask them if they have stored water and at least some food. That isn't too overwhelming to get if you don't have it. Some jugs of water for each person, and maybe a case of canned food you could eat.

The American Red Cross recommends you keep these on hand in this order of priority.

WATER | FOOD
FIRST AID | TOOLS, SUPPLIES | SANITATION
CLOTHES, BEDDING | DOCUMENTS

more details here

The picture is a wake-up call for me. But just a wake-up call. Yup, that could happen. Ok. We will just take it as it comes. Ok. Life will go on. Ok. People might die. Ok. You might die. Ok. Maybe nothing will happen. Ok.

There is a song by Jewel called Absence of Fear. It strikes home. Fear and worry can be useful for me when they incite a change. When I just sit in them, they only bind me. This image for some reason is full of absence of fear for me. Looking to the golden horizon. Prepared. Centered. Anchored. Powerful. It really is going to all be alright.

My Preeeeccious

You will never guess what happened this weekend. I was standing out on my front porch, talking to some friends with my laptop in hand. I wanted to show them a picture I'd taken earlier that day. I walked over to my friend Dean and went to turn the computer around and I kid you not, the laptop, as if it had a life of its own, tipped and flew out of my hands down the stairs. I reached out grasping after it to no avail. It landed on the cement below. My shiny, silver Macbook Pro landed on the cement. I seriously went into shock.

My laptop. One of my favorite things in the whole world. I don't let other people use it(now, now don't judge me we all have our weird things). I don't loan it out. I take uber-excellent care of it....(except when I am throwing it around outside). I stroke it and call it precious names. We have a great relationship.

On the cement there it lay. Gahhhhhh. You know when something really bad happens and you laugh? and it feels weird to laugh, but you can't help it? There is something inside of you that snaps and you are just slightly insane for a moment so you laugh? Well, I laughed. There was the computer that I had been so careful with, scratching against the sidewalk. There was my computer that I would take with me to work, just in case someone broke into my house and wanted to steal it. (See previous post Rrrarrr about the earlier break-in.) Out of all of my possessions I didn't care about the rest, just my computer and my iPod.

I ran down the stairs, picked it up and immediately noticed that it couldn't shut. The keyboard part was bowed. I tried to turn it on and nothing happened. My heart sank. I went inside to look at my warranty/protection plan. They didn't cover accidents and abuse, like tossing it down the stairs. (I'm still baffled by that one...) And it all sunk in.

Could my life have meaning without my computer? Could I get a new one? Not for awhile. What about my blog? and email? and pictures? and facebook for crying out loud? and my music? and movies? and and and and! What would I do? Could I pry my fingers off of this possession and let it go? But all my friends that I connect with online? ahhhhhhh!

Then something interesting happened. I let it go. I got settled with all of these emotions and decided that not only could my life have meaning, but that maybe this happened for a reason. Maybe my life was now going to be better from letting go. I could connect more outside of the internet. I could paint more. Play my guitar more. Maybe even go out more. I could check my email elsewhere. etc. etc. It would all be fine. and it would be good for me to let go of this attachment to my computer.

I walked into the other room where I had put my computer, and pushed the on button again. AND IT WORKED. It worked. Everything worked. The screen was fine. The connections were fine. It just didn't close quite all of the way...

Can you believe that? I had the perfect chance to face all of my fears etc. about losing my computer without actually losing it. How cool is that?

So now I leave it at home instead of taking it to work with me. I let people use it if they want to. I am not so concerned. It's nice to let go.