Thursday, October 2, 2008

windy leafy thoughts

I am a massage therapist. Sometimes I do mobile massage and go to people's houses. It can work very well. I had two massages scheduled for today. One of them just had surgery on her foot and was really miserable. A massage would have really helped. She is the niece of one of my other clients.

Well I woke up sick this morning. Bad sore throat. Tired. Ears hurt. And I had to cancel my massages. Well poo poo head client number 1 (I don't really think she is a poo poo head...) calls client number 2 and tells her how frustrated she is that I had to cancel. But doesn't tell her the whole story like I'M SICK! So my regular client is frustrated that I canceled. And I am frustrated that both of them are frustrated, and wondering why the hell client number one didn't tell client number two the whole damn story. Did she not believe me that I am sick???

But do you know with what I am most frustrated? You see I get why both of my client's are frustrated. I would be too if the massage that I had been looking forward to all of a sudden got canceled and I was in pain from being in bed for two weeks. I would be very frustrated. I would want to throw something. And I really doubt that she doesn't believe me. I think she was just venting to her aunt about how frustrated she was. So in the end that really isn't the problem.

The problem is that I am frustrated that I can't do everything. That I can't fix everyone's problems. That I can't be there for everyone. That I can't make everyone's pain go away. Damnit.

And do you know where this all comes from? Well, I will tell you. When I was a kid I felt like I wasn't enough because I couldn't fix my mom's pain. I couldn't make her feel better. And for other reasons I couldn't feel it that she loved me. (I can see now that she did and does..., but back then I couldn't. I thought she didn't love me). So this connection got made that if I don't fix people's problems, if I don't take away their pain then they won't love me.

I'm not looking for my client's to love me. That relationship is purely professional, but this whole thing echoed of a bunch of emotions that I haven't looked at for a long time. Can people love me when I can't give them what they need, or what they want? Will they love me? Will they even like me? Will anyone want to be around me? ahhh! I will be alone for the rest of my life and have to work at Walmart!

And is it ok if someone doesn't like me? or if someone can't stand my guts? Or doesn't want to ever get a massage from me again? Can that be ok?

I mean it would be a different story if I were just being malicious and canceled the massage. But that is not what it is. I am doing everything I can. And when I can't, I can't.

I feel like all of these thoughts are just leaves winding around in my head not making much sense, nor settling down.


Julie said...

Phew that was a lot of emotion to read. Thanks for sharing!! Yes you can be ok if someone doesn't like you, or is mad at you, or doesn't love you. Is it easy?!? Hell no!!

I have always been impressed with how genuine and sincere you are, so really I know that you will never be alone working at Walmart. Although I hear it can be a pretty good gig.

I know from my life wanting to feel loved and not being able to feel it is a lonely road. So I tried to find it by feeling loved, accepted, or wanted by others. Yet I still fell short.

My friend I know it sounds cliche but I am now realizing that I am the only one next to God who can really love me and accept me. People can and will always misjudge who I am and my intentions.

Wow sorry for rambling on... I hope you are feeling better!!

Sahara said...

yay! yay! yay! Julie is back! :) thanks for the ramble. I always love your comments.

Summer said...

Wow. Good for you. Honest.

I like Julie comments, too.

You know what was the only thing that even started to pull me out of this exact thought pattern- this crazy circle of spinny-reapeaty thoughts? Settling down. Just like you say- things weren't "settling down." It's the whole problem! And I don't mean getting married and having kids. I mean- settling down. Finally letting myself grow up. Becoming the mother I needed. A mother to myself.

My favorite books on this so far: "How I Learned to Cook," and "Bad Childhood, Good Life." I think we already talked about the Dr. Laura one, huh. Anyway. I like reading about what I'm thinking about. It helps pull me out of my spin.

Sahara said...

A mother to myself... I am going to look up that book. Interesting.