I've been thinking about my fat lately. My excess fat. Been meditating on it. And I have found quite the spiderweb of emotional issues attached to it that I never thought were there. Needless to say it has been a very interesting journey.
These are some of my findings. (Note, when I say skinny I don't mean skin and bones. Just slim and lovely, with no bulges in places I don't want them.)
I feel guilty about being skinny, looking too good. I'm afraid that others will be jealous if I have a slim, trim flat belly....like I have been jealous. I feel like I don't deserve to have a body that doesn't have excess fat. Part of me feels doomed to have "bad genes". I'm a little scared of extra attention from others if I'm skinny. And again, I don't want others that aren't skinny to feel bad.
Huh. No wonder my body holds on to fat, and especially around my tummy.
I don't want to have to eat perfectly for the rest of my life to be skinny. Or run a million miles all of the time to have that lovely slim look. It isn't me. And I wonder if I work on emotional attachments to my fat what will happen.
So the experiment has begun. Starting with a Ho'oponopono prayer for my beloved fat. (I say Light instead of Creator because it makes more sense to me for personal reasons.)
Dear Light I am sorry for whatever is in me that causes these emotions to come up in my life. I am sorry for whatever is in me that causes me to have excess fat on my body. Please forgive me, and clear these from me completely. Thank you. And I love you.
I made a salad for lunch. It didn't look quite as amazing as this one, but you get the point. Then I went outside, sat on my porch and ate in the delicious Springness. There was organic baby greens, avocados, pine nuts, raisins, and onions all topped with some balsamic vinaigrette. Oh and tuna. Yeah, I know. The tuna is weird. I didn't even really want to put it in, but this little voice in my head told me to. It told me that I needed some protein and omega somethings so I had better put it in. And I did. And yes, it was weird. But that was when it hit me.
I have become disconnected from my food. I still enjoy it, usually. I still notice tastes, textures and colors, sometimes. But often I pick what I am going to eat because I am afraid. Afraid, of not being healthy enough, skinny enough, beautiful enough. Afraid of not being enough. And then I eat because I feel bad, or depressed or whatever. It is kind of all the same. I am not really eating because I want to eat that avocado, but I am using the avocado to quell my fear.
It is not that I force myself to eat avocados. I really do like them. I just want to reconnect with my food a little more. Let go of my fears a little more. Be a little more free.
I always imagine those words being chanted by a mob of people outside my balcony. But I actually don't have much to say. Just wanted to get off the going through the decade. Ugh. It was too much to go back through that decade.
And on another note, it is my birthday month!! I like to celebrate my birthday all month long.