Going through the decade: 2001

2001
Finished in Italy
Sadness
Relief

Going through the decade: 2000

2000
Fresh in the church
Going on a mission
to Italy

Excited to baptize
the world

Lots of disappointment
lots of amazing food

wonderful people

The sun is shining and the snow is falling

I love it when the snow falls quietly at night. Then in the morning when the sun comes out there are all of these little piled high walls of snow on each branch, on the railings, the pots and chairs. Next everything starts to fall. Branches sproing up as they dump their now heavy snow. Water drips everywhere. Poofs of snow suddenly fall from the sky. All very magical. These are some pictures of my front yard this morning.

Self Discoveries

Teeny little glasses enchant me.

SOUP! Soupity soup soup soup!

I recently discovered soup. Like I am a soup whore now. Soup. Soup. Soup. Can't get enough of it. Always find myself buying chicken broth, and beef broth and vegetable broth. Veggies stare at me in the store and whisper ideas for new soups. And beans! I love putting beans in my soups. So. Some soup pictures to make you drool...

Pros and Cons

I think I am slightly depressed. Something about how I don't want to do anything except play Bejeweled 2. Nothing seems worth it these days. Why go running? I will never lose this belly fat. Why make lovely art projects? There is no one to appreciate them. Why clean my house? There will always be something more to clean. Heh heh. Yeah. One of those days. So I was thinking of all of the pros and cons of life. Making a list like you do when you are deciding if you want to take a new job. This is what came of it.

Cons

Seasons always end. Winter always comes.
It is so easy to hurt other people. One wrong word and someone has hurt feelings.
No one ever completely understands you.
Sometimes people don't get you at all.
So much war.
Poverty.
Pain everywhere.
Deficits.
Fear.
I seem to mess things up every turn I make.
And the list goes on.

Pros

Lost of beautiful earth.
Love at times.
Understanding at times.
Chocolate.
Having enough at times.

Apparently I could use some help here....

Mosquitoes from Hell

I don't know who thought it would be a good idea to have mosquitoes here on planet earth, but I think they were seriously cracked in the head. Last night I ended up killing four in my bedroom, but not until they had stuck me with their little blood-sucking devices. And I don't know what it was about these mosquitoes, because their bites didn't necessarily itch but really really hurt! Like crazy aching up the limb, intense and nasty hurt. I was starting to wonder if they had some mutant strain of something-er-other and if I were going to wake up mutilated. The worst was when one of the little bastards got to my lip. My lip! This morning it is still swollen. (Other expletives are coming to mind...) I decided to leave one of the carcasses on my ceiling as warning to any other wretched skeeters that might want to suck my blood. My Buddha principles have been thrown out the window.

Backpacking in the Rain

I went backpacking this weekend. Yeah, and just in case anyone forgot it rained a bunchity bunch this weekend. No really, a buh-freakin' bunch. This is what I learned:

1. Cotton pretty much just sucks in the rain. Sucks. By the time we got up to where we decided to camp my cotton pants felt like a big wet diaper that was sagging down to my knees. Oh...cold wet diaper.

2. Rain coats might just have a saturation point and then you get drenched anyway. Though I had a hole in my sleeve.

3. Wrapping a plastic bag around my pack only sort of works. Maybe 4 more bags and a shit-ton of duct tape would have done the job. Needless to say my pack was wet. My spare "dry" socks were wet. My waterproof matches were crumbling with wet. Wet. Wet. Wet. Oh yeah and did I mention that I had brought my cell phone just in case of an emergency? ....It is in pieces drying on my chest of drawers.

4. Even if your tent is absolutely bomber, if you set it up in the rain and then sit your sorry little wet bum down in it there is going to be water in your tent. And the spare "dry" socky that you are using to mop up the tent floor is really only spreading wet all around.

5. Running shoes were never meant for the rain. You know that meshy stuff that is supposed to ventilate your running feet? It isn't waterproof... Just in case you were wondering.

6. Sometimes trails are really dry creek beds, that become creeks when water is falling from the sky. Hiking up a creek. Heh heh. Oh right, with meshy running shoes on. Slosh slosh slosh. Can I just say that putting my feet into my shoes this morning brought high-pitched singing sounds from my mouth.

7. My sleeping bag is officially pathetic. I am pretty sure that it was bought in the 80's. And is not meant for any kind of camping that is below 70 degrees. You know, you have your 15 degrees bags, and negative 10 degrees bags...and 70 degrees bags. That would be mine.

Don't get me wrong though, there were many fun(ny) things about our trip. Hanging out clothes all over the trail to dry. Realizing that hot sauce makes anything taste good. Being in the gorgeous mountains. Going to sleep to the sounds of a rushing river. Kissing my man.

But next time don't be surprised if I look like a marshmallow wrapped from head to toe in plastic bags.

Geeze La Wheeze

It has seriously been a whole month since I have last posted. Where have I been? Huh. I have two things to write about today. First I just got back from a weekend in Jackson Hole Wyoming with my man. Two important thingies in that sentence. One, I spent a weekend in Jackson Hole with glorious Teton mountains, green pines everywhere, and wildlife to spare. Two, I was with my man. (sigh)

The first day we were there I decided to go for a run on the Elk National Reserve. Didn't actually see any Elk, but got to run for miles and miles with almost nothing around me except mountains. The cool part is that I ended up running farther than I have ever gone before. I don't know why. I just kept going. Kept drinking water. Kept running. Got back and realized that I had gone farther than 3 miles, farther than 4...maybe even 5! Now here is the coolest part. We ended up tracking the miles in my car, and I didn't go 5. I actually went.....(drum roll)....7.6! Now, granted I walked some of that, but HOLY COW that is almost 8 miles! Which is like a million really. If I can run a million then certainly I can run a half marathon in October. :D

The second thingy that I wanted to write about was my experience today at the laundry mat. I was there folding sheets, listening to Dr. Phil when this commercial came on for some depression medication. (commercials for medications is a weird concept anyway....) But this one in particular struck me as odd. After it talked about how depression hurts, and that whatever-its-strange-name-was could help it went on for seriously 5 minutes about all of the negative side effects. Everything from dry mouth to bleeding, to increased suicidal thoughts, to liver damage...to good lord! And the very next sentence? "Ask your doctor about whatever-the-hell-they-called-it today!" What? Seriously? There has got to be a better way.

The Other Half

Guess what I did this morning. No, really. Guess. Ok, I will tell you. I decided that I wanted to run a half marathon in October. (Wendy has a goofy grin on her face.) Decided so much so that I even signed up for it, payed the 70 bucks and am officially going to get the t-shirt!

It is called The Other Half. It is in Moab. In October. It will be gorgeous. All I have to do is increase my mileage by 2 miles every month from now until then. I can do that. Green smoothies here I come.

You all are welcome to go camping down there on that weekend and cheer me on. :)

Snapdragons

Deep in my deepest of hearts I'm a flower freak.
I can't get enough of them.
I really like snapdragons.
We had them in our flowerbed growing up.

Tulips....Holland Style

Maybe I will move to Holland,
so I can work in a tulip field.
Sigh.

Roses and Birfdays and I'm turning 30!

My birthday is in two days.
I will be 30.

Does that mean I will be grown up?
I hope not.

Some of my ultimate favorite things in life are roses.
They are so damn gorgeous.

Delicate
Intense
Mysterious
So many Hues
So many Flavors

Someday I would like to have gardens of roses.

Today, pictures will do.

I feel like hopping around like Tigger
And shouting, "Hoppy Birfday! Hoppy Birfday!"

Spring Rolls because it really is Spring dammit.

Fresh Spring Rolls
Ahhhh
With Shrimpies
And Noodlies
Nummy Veggies
All wrapped up in a Rice Thingie

But then the Sauce
Another Ahhhhh
Almondy Butter
Limey
Garlicky
Hint of Hot

Smother that Sauce
On a Spring Roll
And Bite

Facial Expressions of Delish
Giggles of Yum
Squiggles of Delighty

Ah hell

I talked with the IRS yesterday. I think it is funny that they always introduce themselves and then tell you their ID number. Did you know that their hours are from 7 in the morning to 10 at night your time? Yeah, whatever your time is apparently they have got you covered. I'm still a little unclear how they do that. I also think it is funny that I am always listening to the Nutcracker Suite when I am on hold. Every time I call. Anyway that is really neither here nor there. Onto to what this post is really about. (There might be some language just to warn you.)

So, called the IRS and then pretty much had a mental meltdown. I don't know what it is about taxes. (Watch me come back as an accountant in the next life...) Even when I was young, and had the easiest taxes ever... All you had to do was enter in the info. I got lovely little W2 forms from my works, and you just popped it into the forms. And I never had to pay. Always got money back. Even then, I would seriously cry when the time came around to actually sit down and do it. It overwhelms me to no end. All of those words, that I really have no idea what they mean. All of those forms. That deadline that looms. It all seems like a massive black hole of confusion that might drown me and no light can possibly shine on.

But these days it is even worse! I became self-employed. Yeah. Did we mention that numbers, keeping track of stuff, saving receipts is NOT my forte??!! No, I do much better at soothing muscles, and helping knots. If only I could give the IRS massages for my taxes... But let me tell you more because interestingly enough this post isn't really about taxes.

For the first three years of being self-employed, my taxes overwhelmed me so much that I ignored them. I just kept putting them off. And off. And off. Probably one of the stupidest things I have ever done. I am paying for that one. I owe the IRS uber uber amounts of money. UBER. (I'm working on it though, don't worry. I just found another accountant that might be able to help me so I don't owe so much uberness. Who can help me with all of this writing off shit, and filing, and being a small business and ahhhhhh.)

So. What is this post really about? Ha, well it turns out that somewhere during my growing up years I decided that if you ever make a mistake you are a BAD person. (Whatever that means.) And on top of that if you aren't financially the most amazing person in the world with savings, no credit card debt, always being frugal, having the perfect budget, paying every bill on time, paying for everything with cash, um and everything else that I can't think of right now then you are again a HORRIBLE person that needs to repent. In sackcloth and ashes! Paying penance! Confessionals! Paying the priest to absolve your sins with all the nonexistent leftover money that you have! And that God is pretty much going to punish you. (I may be exaggerating a little, but you get the point.)

Not that I don't think being financially savvy is a good thing. I do. I am working on it. And like most people I am not perfect at it, but yes working on it. So yesterday after I talked with the IRS, my meltdown wasn't necessarily that I owe them jumongous amounts of money. My meltdown was all of the emotions of guilt and shame that welled up inside of me. Am I not the most awful person in the world because I put off my taxes? Am I not the most horrible yuck because I still live paycheck to paycheck? Because I am obviously still doing something wrong?

And the biggy that came up? Self-hate. Ahhhhhh! I thought I was over that! I thought I had worked through all of that! Let it all go! Good fucking bleepitty bleep! Will I never be perfect? (chuckle)

So, I find myself looking at all of this. All of this black holeness. Ah, you see the black hole of taxes really isn't the taxes so much as the emotions I have attached to the taxes. And today it looks manageable. Today the guilt, the shame even the self-hate look smaller, like I might be able to pick them up, thank them and send them on their way. You see I really believe that it is ok to make mistakes. Not that you necessarily seek them out, but when you do make a mistake it doesn't make you a bad person. You get to learn from it. And that people will still love you. Want to be around you. Might be making mistakes themselves. And you still love them.

I guess I am just peeling off more layers of my onion. Finding little pockets of stored away pain from the past and letting it go. Stored away guilt. Stored away shame. Stored away self-hate. And letting it go. Letting it go.

Spring! Spring! Spring!

Sigh....

The 6th belt hole

You remember how I mentioned that I had arrived at the 5th belt hole sometime last year. And how momentous it was? Well, this morning I had to create a 6th hole. Why? Because I still have not bought a new belt! It is on its last leg. (Because belts have legs as we all know...) But my pants were falling off, and I really didn't want to give everyone at the laundry mat a show. So, I created a 6th. Oh, the cleverness of me.

Purpose

Wake up
Work
Eat
Sleep

But no,
Not just.

People
Interactions

Hopes
Fears
Dreams

Love

Ah, there is the crux.

Without it
there would be no
Purpose
to our
Working
Eating
Sleeping

To our
Hopes
Fears
Dreams

To our
Interactions

Love

To learn how to love.
To learn how to be loved.

Feels like
Glue
Earth
Meaning

All
Worthwhile.

Red Rose Onion

I keep peeling back layers.
Deeper
Closer
More Tender.

Red Onion
Beautifully deep red.
Pricks my eyes

But each time my tears fall
I can breathe easier.

My shoulders feel lighter.

Red Red Onion
Deep red like a rose.

Makes my nose wrinkle
with both stench and sweetness.

Almost a Month

I turned around
and a month went by.

I really have no idea where it went.

Somewhere with the stars I'm sure.

I feel like life is surrounding me with tickling air.
Swirling.
Moving almost too fast.

Colors filling my vision.
Some hard to see.
Others brilliant.

I almost want to run away from it all.
But the delicious parts are too delicious.
And the scary parts are laced with lovely.

Sun on my Skin

The warmth penetrates through my layers.
For a moment, I turn my face
soaking it in.

It feels new.
Fresh.
Like I haven't felt it in awhile.

My mind relaxes.
Feeling the sorrows of yesterdays
distanced.

I surrender.

Just Be

I sit surrounded by thick air
Looking out from behind my eyes
Seeing the world from a distance
My arms don't want to move
Nothing wants to move
All heavy
The world blurs
Hard to see clearly
Hard to see at all
The song plays over and over
The sounds slip into my consciousness
I'm here tonight while the stars are blacking out
Hard to hear clearly
Just hard
The music stirs the river in my heart
... the water keeps on falling from my eyes
I let it all just be
I sit and be
Letting the heavy drown
No need for air
Deep inside of me

Loss

My knees buckle under my grief.
I find myself half-way to the floor overwhelmed.

So out of the blue.

So encompassing.

The sobs are dry.
Almost detached from the hurt.
My face scrunches.
But as my heart opens
And pain aches through my body,

Everything cries out and weeps in loss.

Heartened

My friend sent me a link to this article today.

The Stunning Size 12 Model Branded 'too fat' for TV Competition

It was interesting to read other comments on the two models.

Yay for luscious curves!

I'm disgusted

She looks quite lovely, right?
Maybe a little on the skinny side, but quite lovely.

Again. Skinny. Too skinny for my tastes, but lovely.

But this next one???
As far as I can tell from the other shots, this is the same model as the first picture.
What the fuck????!
That is disgusting!
Aren't models supposed to be the epitome of beauty?
I don't get it.
And I'm disturbed.

This is another picture of the second model.
Once again, I find myself almost losing my lunch.
Can I feed you please?!