Sunday, July 13, 2008

My first spew....a beautiful mess.

So much to spew about....so little time. I was noticing today how much I kept wanting to say sorry to like everyone that gets within 10 million feet of me. Ah I'm sorry you spilled your pasta and it got all over! Oh I'm so sorry that I looked at you wrong! Sorry I invited you to every petition there is on facebook! Sorry if you are offended by any possible thing that I do! Sorry if you are offended by anything that I didn't do! Sorry if you are just offended! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! (wheeze)

Why do I feel like I am the official bandaide of the world? Or that if anyone ever feels anything except complete bliss in my presence that I did something wrong and am most likely going to hell? Well, who knows how the inner cogs of my mind work, but I think the sorries are going to stop. At least the ones that are saying I'm sorry that I exist; that because I exist your life must be a little harder. We are all down here on this messy, perfect Earth gaining experience, learning, growing, screwing up....not screwing up. There must be some better way to say that...not screwing up...making beautiful things happen. And it all comes together for our good. Everything we do and experience, everyone we meet gives us something for our good. So I'm not sorry if you don't like my garlic breath. I'm not sorry if you are offended by my un-made bed. And I'm certainly not sorry if something I say makes you cringe. I am willing to sit down and have a conversation about why you are offended. But I'm not sorry. I live! I mess up! and it is beautiful.

6 comments:

Hot Air said...

Freaking good for you. I think it would be worth exploring what (or who) made you feel so "apologetic" in the first place. After a similar examination of my past, I've recently had the same epiphany, and it has made a world of difference in my ability to love both myself and others. Freaking good for you!

And welcome welcome to the blogging world!!! I look forward by being hit by your overspray... ;-)

Julie said...

You know I just had a similar conversation with a friend of mine....only I was saying that they needed to stop apologizing. Life is...period. We accidently hurt each other and for that if needs be an apology is appropriate but learning to just be and then to be ok with that, really is a life long process.

River said...

Yeah I am currently exploring where my apologeticyness came from....it is an interesting exploration I tell ya. Thanks for your encouragement!

Life is...period. nice.

Lianne said...

The blogosphere is better for having you here.

Loving you!

michael morrow said...

Yeh Wendy, great question few courageously ask. As for my pathetic apologetic past I trace it to historic organized religion and the idea that someone else had to give their life so I could have life, happiness, even some sort of fulfillment. I no longer buy into the pseudo-humble bs I used for, oh I'd say 50-60 years, to manipulate my way through my very genuine intention/effort to be loved. Oh, and yes, thanks for the beauty you so pleasingly brought to my children, and thereby, me.

River said...

Thanks Michael. I must admit that in all my years of growing up in the environment I did, I somehow perceived that my religion/parents etc. were telling me something similar to what you described. Telling me this paradoxical twist that I was divine but worse than the dust of the Earth (because the dust always obeys God). It was hard to sort out from all of my childhood perceptions that I really am divinity in every sense of the word. And I came to an interesting conclusion that what I perceived they told me might not have actually been what they were intending to tell me. It has been an interesting journey so far. Thanks for sharing part of yours.