Thursday, August 7, 2008

A gross, nasty, chunky-pea-soup-colored soup of thought

I'm cranky. And I had better mention that there will probably be lots of gratuitous language in this post, so feel free not to read any further. But since my blog is, in the end, for me....I'm letting it loose. There have been a few times in my life when everything gets so overwhelming that a fuse blows in my brain. This is one of those times. And when this fuse blows, I can't think straight. I can't see clearly. I can't hear very well, and understanding is about nil. I just want to cry and scream and run away to the mountains where no one will ever see me again. Fuck becomes an overused word in my vocabulary. Fuck this. Fuck that. Fuck life. Fuck you. Then the guilt wells up and I begin to feel like a shriveled nasty goblin that no one wants to be around.

Soon the self-flogging begins and I start to should all over the place. You shouldn't be saying fuck. You shouldn't be feeling guilty. You shouldn't be so cranky. No one likes you. No one loves you. It is all your fault. You will always be alone. Just go eat worms. And I begin to feel guilty for feeling guilty. And saying fuck about the fact that two minutes ago I had just said fuck.

Usually by that point someone has implied that I should just get over whatever I am cranky about. And I want to yell at them to go, well you know something to the effect of Fuck Off.

Sometimes, around this point I let myself peek at the crux of this bog of emotions. Take a side glance then quickly turn away. If I don't avert my eyes then I begin to drown. Drown in the fear that it could be true. True that I am actually unlovable. That really no one can stand me for much longer than being a distant friend. That it is all my fault. If I would just do something different, be something different, pray more, read my scriptures more somehow I would begin to feel loved. Somehow my heart would open and I could let people love me. You see deep down I know it really is all my fault. Fuck me. Then comes the despair. (I told you this was ugly). For how long have I been working on opening up my heart now? A while. It's been scary hard work. And what do I have to show for it? Well, it sure feels like a whole lot of nothing.
So fuck everything people. Fuckitty fuck fuck it all. I don't give a rat's ass anymore.


Julie said...

Wow! I can feel your hurt, anger and despair. I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I know you and I aren't super tight, but I really do listen when you talk. I'm not going to give you all this cliche lines to "make" you feel better. In fact I'm going to do the opposite and say feel what you are feeling. Feelings are a huge part of who we are and frankly I think stuffing the less than pretty feelings is in a sense denying ourselves the right to be.
I am however going to say you are so many things, but unloveable is not one of them. I hope that you will find those deep relationships we all desire and need. There are many out there who are worth putting yourself out there for. Friend, I think you kick ass!

michael said...

wow, its so beautiful to hear, see and feel you spill your/my guts like this. I am spending the weekend at the SF Krishna temple for feelings such as yours. Oh how I love a good purge. I will continue to love you, even just based on the love I have for my children's love for you. I suggest that you dance with gusto of the passion you have astutely shared here. Your beauty is so much deeper than skin

Ann G. Matthews said...

WAY TO PURGE! Get it out - don't keep it inside! Good Job expressing your feelings! Maybe if you wallow in it for a mintue, it will fade and then all of the love that is out there for you will start to manifest! Just know that I love you, your beautiful kind soft side as well as your gross, nasty, chunky-pea-soup-colored side. It's ALL of you that is loveable!

Anonymous said...

gollee we are very much alike. Good on you for letting it out. Unlike you...I'm not so good at that.

River said...

wow I feel supported. You guys are absolutely the best. That felt good to throw out my nasty, and have friends throw back love.